Depression

Ryder Burns — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 18:01:16 +0000

Depression. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with. It takes over you, it literally stops you in your tracks. Even now, trying to write this, I want to give up and go to sleep. When I wake up, I might feel better. Wrong. I never feel better, I just feel worse. I’m angry because I’ve wasted time, I’m groggy because I got too much sleep, and I’m worried because I probably neglected to do something I needed to. Then there’s the anxiety, which is depression’s main accomplice. They go hand and hand and they are powerful together. Like two villains running amuck in your mind.

The real me, the functioning me, does what has to be done, doesn’t complain, and isn’t afraid of what might happen next. The non-functioning me, tells myself to keep sleeping. Avoids getting out. Lies to cover up my inability to get moving. Cries. Says “Tomorrow I’ll feel better” yet never does. This other me is miserable. It’s like I’m trapped inside my head, running around frantically screaming “Get up, do something!” All the while my body lies dormant.

I get terrible feelings of loneliness. I want a male companion and I want sex. Lots of sex. I’m normally a pretty sexual person, but I have complete control over it and I don’t fret if I’m not going to have any for a while. When I’m depressed, I’m obsessive. I feel like I want to stock up for the next drought. I hate that feeling.

The anxiety is almost more overwhelming than depression. I just don’t want to leave my house, my room, my pajamas, my cat. It’s terrible.

I experience these things when I don’t have my Wellbutrin. I hate that. I hate being dependent upon a medicine. I have to wait until next week to get them and it’s disrupting my life. I’ve missed 3 classes this week, one of which I should never miss. I felt good the first two weeks of school, but I had my medicine. Luckily I don’t have a job at the moment, or I might not have a job at the moment. Next week is going to be more challenging than this week, it’s why I saved 4 pills so I can get through it until I get my medicine. I know that being depressed is a part of life, but at this level it’s so crippling.

I’ve never experienced suicidal thoughts, but it’s probably because I lost one of my best friends to suicide a few years ago. No matter how down and out I am I remember him and how his death has affected me; how I wouldn’t want mine to affect all the people I love. I do sometimes think it would be nice to sleep forever, but with the ability to wake eventually. Life doesn’t work like that. I must admit that my little pink Wellbutrin pills are my beacon of hope. Even when I am without them I know that within time all will be right again, this storm will have passed, and I will be glad I didn’t choose a life of slumber. The waiting is the hard part… knowing I’ll soon be free of the shackles. The even harder part, the part that sometimes causes anxiety even while medicated, is that this feeling can so easily return. If something were to happen and my pills would no longer exist, even just momentarily, this feeling would slip back into my life. I must admit at times I’m angry to have this condition. I’m angry that I have to rely on science to live. I am, however, extremely grateful that I live in the existence of this pill. I don’t know who I might have been, what I might have done, had I not had this island of hope.

Next week. Next week it will all be alright. Order will be restored in my mind. Next week.

Seriatum

Depression